Two Steps Closer

Work and studying, it was my life for so long.  Work, LSAT class, work, LSAT class, then suddenly it’s all over.  I find myself on the other side of the finished line and truthfully, it doesn’t feel as great as I thought it would.  I have to wait 2 more weeks to find out my LSAT score, I’ve already waited a week.

I should be more relaxed, I’m now more than a week into my year-long vacation.  I should be excited, Shanghai is only a month away.  But mostly I worry and I stress.  I’m so used to being stressed, maybe I’ve forgotten how to relax.  It feels strange to not have all these responsibilities weighing down on my shoulders;  I don’t know what to do with myself.

The first week of my vacation was rather uneventful.  I was sick in bed for all of it.  Less than 24 hours after the LSAT, my body gave up.  I’m certain that I had willed my body into staying healthy for those terrible weeks leading up to the test.  For two months, twice a week, I would rush to Berkeley after a full day of work for 4 more hours of class.  There wasn’t always time for dinner and there was never enough time for sleep.

Those were difficult days, but I loved them.  I loved the hustle; I loved being productive all the time.  In two weeks, I get to find out what it was all for.  No pressure.  I already felt all the pressure during the test.

In less than two weeks, I’ll be back in sunny San Diego.  There really is no cause for complaint — the weather is beautiful, the food delicious, the shopping extravagant.  But it is not the Bay Area.  I can’t express how difficult it is for me to leave the Bay.  I’ve worked so hard to build my life here and it feels like I’m throwing it all away.  I wake up every morning feeling like I just went through a breakup and two thoughts keep me going: (1) I haven’t started packing for the move and (2) Shanghai.

I think about everything I’ll miss here in the Bay Area: my apartment, the food, my friends.  Then I think about my dad in Shanghai, my grandparents, the intolerable summers and the excruciating winters, and it all seems worth it.  I’ve thought it through a thousand times, and now a thousand and one.

Still, quitting my job and taking a year off to live in Shanghai? I’m pretty crazy.


5 thoughts on “Two Steps Closer

  1. I am very excited for you! As much as I want to hold you in a Californian cage, I know your wings must fly. Promise me that you update this blog at least twice a month while you are away. That is all I ask. I am needy like that. Oh, and how Mrs. Cai. You are a very wonderful lady for raising such an amazing daughter.

  2. crazy enough to pursue your personal legend 🙂 i’m glad you’ll be updating so often! wordpress is still unblocked at least ^_~

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