Dear Andy

I was grabbing some snacks from the kitchen today when I saw the wine holder I bought for my parents from Singapore. I thought about the Gummy Bear night-light I got for my best friend last month and the souvenirs I bought for my grandparents from my travels. It dawned on me that I’m really not as great of a gift giver as I’d like to think.

Then I thought of you. And the gloves you got me that Christmas. They were exactly what I wanted. How did you know? I wish I had learned the secrets of your trade. Now I’ll never know. And those gloves, I lent them to my mom once. She left one in a cab in Shanghai. Now I only have one.

We miss you. I miss you. The irony is if you were still here, we probably wouldn’t see each other very often. Maybe once a year, at most. And I would’ve hardly missed your presence.

But now I think about you every time I see Daniel. I think about you whenever I mention the Zelda concert; it was your ticket I used. I think about you when I’m in Carlsbad. I think about you at the most random, inconvenient moments.

Daniel said the most ridiculous thing to me after your funeral. “You were really sad…you probably won’t even be that sad at my funeral.” It made me laugh. You know he is always saying ridiculous things. I can’t even begin to imagine how he felt, how much your leaving affected him.

Oh Andy, I wish you were here. If there were one thing I could change, if time travel were possible, if I were just less of an idiot…

I’m sorry. I wish you were here. I miss you. We miss you.

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